Cai Kangyong got angry in the wonderful flower story just aired some time ago!

The topic of that issue is: if a new technology can enable the human brain to share knowledge in one second, do you support it?

A debater on the opposite side said that if you find that your grandfather is not making tea and your grandmother is not cooking, but studying cells with a microscope, you will feel that the whole life is in a mess.

Cai Kangyong's first reaction after hearing this was: "I was really angry at that time":

But Cai Kangyong, who was very angry, did not show his anger on his face. He said:

ldquo; I'm angry, but I won't show it on my face, because this is not the time to vent my emotions. "

He still said calmly:

ldquo; Everyone in QIPA said is a vested interest in knowledge, but we hope Grandpa will continue to make tea and grandma will continue to make steamed bread.

Why are we so selfish that we let the elderly live at different levels. "

Even if he is very angry, he will not lose his temper. Only the weak will roar. The strong will only use wisdom and opinions to refute things he doesn't like, and make the other party speechless.

ldquo; I don't pursue no emotion, but appropriate emotion. "

Appropriately expressing one's anger is one's highest accomplishment.

When there is emotion, venting is not the purpose

Solving problems is

A film magazine once made a questionnaire to ask 16 top Hollywood directors, including Spielberg and Ang Lee.

One of the questions is: have you ever been so angry that you threw things and left the scene in anger?

Among the 16 directors, only one said that he was so angry that he fell off the stage, while most of the other 15 directors answered:

It's inevitable to get angry, but what can we do by throwing things and leaving?

The director who left the scene after falling something also reflected on his behavior and said that anger is anger, but don't exaggerate. It's him who picks up the mess.

When provoked, the first thing to think of is to solve the problem, not to vent your emotions indiscriminately. This will not only fail to solve the problem, but often make the situation worse.

Marshall Luxembourg wrote in Nonviolent Communication:

The root of most violence is that people ignore each other's feelings and needs and blame each other for the conflict.

Some time ago, Mr. He Jiong, who has always been a good tempered teacher, went on a hot search because of his "Rage".

Because at the recording site of a program, due to dissatisfaction with the competition results, the players began to fight each other, and a little fresh meat even kicked off his clothes.

He Jiong stopped many times without success, put down the sentence "I'm very disappointed with you" and left.

Afterwards, he explained:

I think it's disgraceful for them to make noise there. When they encounter a problem, they must take solving the problem as the premise, rather than venting as their only choice.

Venting your anger when you are angry is an easy instinctive reaction.

However, keeping calm when there is anger, expressing yourself with restraint in language, and actively solving problems and calming the situation in action are the ultimate test of one's self-cultivation and wisdom.

Release your emotions without restraint

It will only turn communication into disaster

In a short film called "bad language", those who have been treated roughly recall words that hurt themselves:

What evil have I done to give birth to a son like you;

You are a waste;

After all, you're far behind your brother in everything.

Some people are old enough to clearly remember the malicious evaluation they have suffered.

If you vent your emotions without restraint, you will get your own refreshing for a while, but for those who accept this information, it may take a lifetime to dispel it.

Some people say that the sign of a person's self-cultivation is that he doesn't say the most hurtful words when he is angry.

Naked release of their emotions will only turn communication into a disaster. What's more, it will bring an irreversible tragic outcome.

If we think we should, in most cases, we close ourselves.

mdash;— Nonviolent Communication

Some time ago, 15 people died in the case of Chongqing Bus falling into the river, which shocked the whole country. The cause of the disaster was an emotional quarrel between passengers and drivers.

The female passenger passed the station. When she was driving on the bus, she forced to get off on the way. The driver couldn't agree. The angry passengers abused the driver and even beat him with their mobile phone.

The driver blocked with his hand, then the vehicle got out of control, turned into the retrograde lane, and fell into the river after avoiding a car

If the passengers stopped scolding as soon as possible and did not hit the driver, the tragedy would not happen.

If the driver stabilizes his mood, stops in reason and hands over the dispute to the police, there will be no tragedy in which 15 people will die at the bottom of the river.

Many times, people, like this passenger, can no longer control their emotions and become emotional slaves as soon as they fall into a state of anger.

Anger drives us to punish others. Uncontrolled venting can kill.

Unable to control her emotions, after a big quarrel, a wife drove and killed her husband.

Unable to control her emotions, a wife forcibly got out of the car at the wildlife park and ran outside her husband's main driver to argue. She was bitten to pieces by a tiger and killed her old mother.

Unable to control his emotions, a driver raised the baby in the stroller and fell to death after a dispute with a young mother who was in his way.

Small problems that could have been solved by just communicating calmly have evolved into tragedies.

What they did in their anger has long deviated from their original intention.

Psychologist Marshall Dr. Luxemburg calls this communication which is far from the purpose and tends to ignore people's feelings and needs as "alienated communication".

When the "alienated way of communication" is gradually amplified, the out of control emotion becomes a tool for killing.

Reaction when angry

Most visible accomplishment

People often live with masks in their daily state, but when they are angry, they are easy to expose their nature.

Many CEOs of Fortune 500 companies in the United States often use the "waiter rule" to review when recruiting, selecting and looking for partners.

This rule means that if a person fights and scolds when dealing with vulnerable groups such as strange waiters and cleaners, he is of poor quality and must not be used.

A person's attitude towards the unfamiliar weak reflects the height of his character and his personal cultivation.

Yu Guangzhong's performance was even better in the struggle between Li Ao and Yu Guangzhong.

Li Ao often scolded Yu Guangzhong on various occasions. After Jiang Jingguo died, Yu Guangzhong wrote a poem farewell for him.

Li Ao scolded Yu Guangzhong as a "flattering poet" and "supplemented" Yu Guangzhong's poem:

Sad flattery, smelly flattery, for you,

Sad new poetry, shameless new poetry, written for you,

Dear friends, hard leader, walk slowly,

I can't keep up because I'm your dog.

Some people asked Yu Guangzhong: Li Ao picked on you every day, and you never responded. Why?

Yu pondered for a moment and answered: scolding me every day shows that he can't live without me; And I ignored him, proving that my life can be without him.

It is not easy to get angry in the face of other people's accusations, which is not only the cultivation of life, but also the wisdom of dealing with the world.

Express your emotions appropriately

Nonviolent Communication

Not easily angry, not to blindly suppress their emotions, nor unconditionally cater to each other's accusations, but to learn to express their emotions correctly.

Parker, a famous American psychologist, said:

In this complex and changeable world, we must learn to be angry if we want to live smoothly.

Marshall Luxembourg pointed out in his book Nonviolent Communication:

Only when people consciously use language, focus and express their feelings and needs, rather than criticizing each other conditionally, can they find ways to meet the needs of both sides.

This truly effective way of communication is called Nonviolent Communication, which is also called "the language of love".

In the practical application of Nonviolent Communication, we should follow these four steps:

Describe the facts: observe what you see, but don't evaluate it.

For example, you can tell the fact that "she spent 2000 yuan on clothes" instead of saying "she spent a lot of money".

Express feelings: don't express ideas.

Say need: make communication full of love.

For the second and third steps, Marshall gave a universal golden sentence pattern: I feel... Because I

The first half describes feelings and the second half expresses needs.

Request: not a command.

For example, you can say to your colleagues, "can you sort out the data and give it to me next time?"

Instead of: "I don't want you to send me the information next time you haven't sorted out anything."

Case analysis: a wife was very angry when she saw her husband throwing smelly socks everywhere.

She can get angry and accuse her husband:

Why do you always throw things around? You messed up the room I just cleaned.

She can also use nonviolent communication skills to resolve contradictions and express needs more gently and skillfully:

I see two of your worn socks on the ground (in fact). I'm not very happy (feeling). I want to keep our house clean (demand). Can you take the socks to the washing machine (request)?

The most likely family war may stop in this restrained and skilled expression.

In the film the wonders of Benjamin Barton

When you are unhappy, you can go crazy like a mad dog. You can swear and curse fate, but in the end, you still have to let go.

People with a large pattern do not have no emotions, but know how to release emotions appropriately, and can achieve "calmness in every major event.".

When angry, it is the most important test of a person's self-cultivation. Being able to express feelings and put forward needs reasonably when there is emotion is a person's highest communication ability.

This is not only an effective weapon to resolve conflicts with others, but also a great wisdom of life to reconcile with yourself and the world.